Our topic today was “Don’t Fool With Mother Nature” so what should I write about? I am sure many of you have thought about the more normal unnatural things like modifying the weather, genetically modifying plants and animals and of course the new bugaboo climate change. Maybe if you are a little macabre, you also might write about feeding the starving people in Africa. Is that unnatural, some think it is? To quote the former UN Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld who in 1960 was dumb enough to say out loud, “If you feed them, all they will do is reproduce, and the next time you will just have more of them to feed.”

Well, of course my weird mind went in a totally different direction and what came to me immediately last week was “Non-natural Human Body Enhancements and Augmentation.”

Think about it, ever since primitive times man and woman have done things to make their bodies look more attractive, more feminine or masculine and sometimes, more frightening or more capable. 

Probably the earliest form of non-natural body augmentation is the tattoo. Ornamental tattooing predates the early Egyptian era and may even go all the way back to the stone ages, and now we see a very major resurgence in the art of body tattooing among the younger adults. To me, this borders on stupidity as I am sure those kids will regret it when they get older. Just think about it. How would you like to grow old and have to spend the rest of your life in a house you decorated way back in your teens, like having to live forever with avocado green shag carpet and pink, green or turquoise bathroom fixtures?  

Probably the next major un-natural body enhancement was the family of what is called “Shapewear.” The first shapewear the corset was invented back in the 1500s, and it allowed both men and woman to squeeze in those bulges and try and make their bodies look like something that they weren’t. This instrument of torture was replaced by the modern girdle with its elastic and stays in the 1920s which were superseded in the 1960s by the infernal panty girdle, an instrument I am sure, based on my experience, was mainly a means to maintain chastity rather than hold in the tummy.

Now, of course, we must delve into the topic of External Breast Augmentation, the brassiere. The brassiere was first patented in 1914 and originally was designed to keep the breast in place and not sagging or flopping. This was followed in 1964 by the Pushup Brassiere that was designed to give women a more youthful appearance. Then, of course, we have the padded brassiere. When it was invented seems to have been lost in time, but I am certain self-padding of brassieres to make things appear larger started right after the bra was invented in 1914.

Actually, we need to skip back in time to the topic I will call scalp enhancements. The wigs and the later technique, hair implants. Wigs came of vogue in the 1500s as means to depict power, higher office or maybe just like now, to hide a natural condition, male pattern baldness. I will admit some wigs are used for other medical-related uses, but the primary reason for them and for hair implants is just vanity.

My next topic is cosmetic surgery. While I will admit a lot of plastic surgery is done for wonderful reasons, to fix malformities and injuries, the bulk is to improve people’s looks. You have facial surgery to remove the appearance of getting old, those age line, wrinkles and sagging skin. You have the tummy tuck to cut out those ugly rolls of fat on the abdomen and liposuction to suck out that extra fat on the hips and big butts.

For the men and some women, you also have those drugs taken to improve their strength or stamina, oral steroids. Unfortunately, those have a lot of potential side effects which include anemia, osteoporosis, insomnia and the big one for men impotence.

Since I mentioned impotence, we have another family of drugs. Those to treat ED “Erectile Dysfunction” or sometimes called “Boner” pills, you know, Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra to name the most popular brands. Yes, I am sure there are some valid medical conditions or dysfunctions necessitating taking the pills like, taking too many oral steroids. However, the majority are taken not for dysfunction but to improve erectile function, so they are un-natural. Personally, I look at it as nature telling you that you are too old to continue on, as you might fall out of bed during the act and hurt yourself.

Of course, there is one thing about Cialis that I still find troubling. Their commercial always shows a man and woman lying side by side in separate cast iron bathtubs holding hands. So what am I missing? Does Cialis release some superpower I am not aware of?

The last thing is what does the future hold? I am sure even more methods of male and female enhancement but what about exoskeletons. Those powered external assemblages that you strap onto your body and drastically improve your strength and stamina. Who knows, maybe in the future, you won’t have to exercise or lose weight as all you will need to do is strap on your exoskeleton and become Superman. Hum? And if you also take a Cialis tablet with its superpowers before, just imagine what you might be able to accomplish.