CHRISTMAS – Bah Humbug!

Here we go, another holiday season again, something I personally do not enjoy. I am sorry to say, neither Christmas, Hanukah, or Kwanzaa have any meaning to me. I celebrate none of them and, unfortunately, do not look forward to this time of year. And by the way, what the heck ever happened to Kwanzaa? Do people still celebrate it? I have not heard anything about it in years.

Now it isn’t that I don’t like holiday lights and decorations; some I really do enjoy, including my own house, which I decorate with lights each year. However, although I did sing in the Annapolis glee club, regrettably, I have grown to despise Christmas carols, especially when they start up right after Thanksgiving. As soon as I hear that first Christmas carol on the radio, I turn it off until after New Year’s.

But back to the Holidays. Let’s start with Hanukah, which celebrates when the oil in the temple’s eternal flame lasted eight days rather than only a single day. I am sure if that story is at all true, which I doubt, the reason the oil lasted eight days was that someone was smart enough to turn down the wick. I suppose if you wanted to insist it was God’s work, you could say the Rabbis were not smart enough to figure it out for themselves, so God had to tell them to turn down the wick.

As to Christmas, you have to get past a lot of hurdles to believe that one. Firstly you have to get past the central tenet of Christmas, the virgin birth. I have to be careful what I say about that one, but as great of misgivings I may personally have on that, it might actually be possible. I remember my wife telling me that a few of her clients’ teenage daughters, while she was a social worker in Florida, had also made that same claim to their parents and, like Mary, why would they ever lie?

But let’s get to the good part, Santa Klaus. Even as a very young child, I found that story ridiculously implausible, and I could not believe so many of my friends actually believed it.

In our house back in Indianapolis, we had two fireplaces. I remember looking up inside both of them and realizing there was no way in hell a fat man could get down through there, especially while carrying a bag of gifts and somehow even keeping clean while doing it. But what about the houses that didn’t even have fireplaces? What did Santa do? Did the people who lived there have to leave their doors or windows unlocked? And what if everything was locked up tight and the kids inside had been good all year? Did Santa just break in? I didn’t remember hearing any stories of police reports about that.

But the concepts that puzzled me the most about Santa Klaus had to do with logistics and physics. Yes, I didn’t know what those meant back then, but I did comprehend the issues involved. Like, how many houses would Santa have to visit in one night; it had to be billions. And how many trips back and forth to the North Pole would he have to make? Surely a sleigh could not carry that many gifts at one time. Did he have hidden warehouses around the world in some places, and — where were they hidden?

And then we get to the big problem, Santa Klaus’s flying through the air. I remember my older brother and I pondering this issue. In our naivety, we agreed there must be a way to offset gravity, maybe an electrical beam or something like that Santa could turn on and off, but what about propulsion? How do those eight tiny reindeer make the sleigh move forward as everyone knows you can’t get any real traction in the air.

The only thing we could come up with was that it must have been accomplished by extreme flatulence. Yes, a continual outpouring of gas by the reindeer powerful enough to propel the sleigh swiftly forward. If that was the secret, how did Santa provide the reindeer enough beans to sustain such an intense and continual discharge? How many cans of beans can he possibly carry in the sleigh and still have room for gifts, and how many would he need?

That turned out to be totally perplexing for us as we had no idea how much gas one bean generated, and even if we did, how many beans are there in one can? We then got into a more troubling issue. How could Santa possibly survive sitting directly behind such a powerful expulsion of foul-smelling gas, not only survive but even keep on smiling? I never saw any pictures of him where he was wearing a gas mask? Have any of you?

But then the real clincher as surely during the night at least one of the reindeer most likely would have to take a poop, and here is Santa sitting directly behind and not even wearing a face mask or protective gear. At the trillion miles an hour, he would have to be traveling, a good size turd striking him at that speed would like a meteor and totally obliterate him in a blinding flash of light. And – maybe that was the star over Bethlehem?

About Admin

Elliot Actor Posted on

Elliot Actor is a retired IBM marketing executive and did not take up creative writing until very late in life. Almost all his previously published writings were limited solely to articles and reports that were technical, marketing, or business-related.

His first book published in 2015 on Amazon was based primarily on a fictionalized accounting of his memoirs while serving in Marine Corps Recon as a sniper in Vietnam. That novel for personal and legal reasons he published anonymously under a pen name. Although no advertising was done this novel has sold quite well, and Elliot learned he enjoyed writing, especially fiction, and had a talent for storytelling.

To improve his writing skills Elliot took several online fiction writing classes and joined weekly writer’s groups. The Forgotten Bomb published on Amazon in 2018, and the follow on novel DESPOT, published in 2019 are a direct result of those efforts.

His latest action/adventure thriller The Exiles published in 2020 is a further culmination of the development of his fiction writing skills.

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